Funerals and the South…

If you have ever been to a funeral in the southeast, you know how well fed and well gossiped about, you can be.  While a funeral is always a sad occasion… after the initial mourning, the older.. closer to death..relatives begin to emerge out of the shadows to start the may-lay of derogatory remarks about you and your loser-ness. “Why isn’t he married..I heard he is one of the gays.” ,, “Oh, well I heard he got one of them “Historyrectums” so he could just have sex and not worry about it.” …  On and on…  I have visited this topic with a few really great friends before.. Mindy, Julie.. you all know who you are.  Well, let’s break it awn down for people that do not live or haven’t experienced a southern funeral.

First of all, I believe that there is a team of chubby women with Elvis haircuts that have a belt with pepper/salt/ onions and cake mix on a utility belt that they keep near the BatPhone. Funeral pops up?? No prob.. we are rolling out some grub that will make everyone feel worse about chubbing out as their friend lies there dead, staring at you from the coffin, after dying from a clogged artery of Grease… yet … it really is yummy food, eh?

Now, .. the worst thing about funerals in the south .when anyone is there that is older than you by 5 years or more. “Whinyougittinmarried”? Oh, that one sucks makes you feel guilty and like you are depriving the family of a cute little Bebbeh. Well.. what if that Bebbeh, turns out to be the spoildest lil Bastage ya ever saw? Is he staying at your house during Summers,  Aunt Inquisitive and Lonely?  I don’t know.. I typically poke them in the ribs and say.. “Whinyougonnadie”?or ..if I have been at a wedding and start getting poked and told that I am next… I start poking them… at funerals… saying… “You’re next”! :-)

Now, the most disturbing thing about a Southern Funeral, is when they begin to judge the preservation of the corpse. ” When she was alive.. she didn’t smirk, like that” … “Who done her hair… it’s beautiful” … “I wanna set an appointment”.  ..”Well.. look how purdy” ..  “Well… She just looks like she could get up and walk..” … WHAT!?!?!?! lol I mean I do want to look fantastical at my funeral… but doubt if I will care how walkable and handsome I look… but I do want people well fed after they stare at my rotting corpse for a few minutes before they chunk me in the ground and let the worms at me.

Marinate.. my3cents!

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Independence Day..

Independence Day… A day when we celebrate the fact that we became Independent from an oppressive King… From Royalty telling us what we could and couldn’t do, believing that they knew better than, “We the People”. We were basically there to pay taxes and do as we were told. Looking around… it doesn’t sound like we are too far away from returning to that same societal model. The Government is certainly not listening to any of us… well, the overwhelming majority of us. However if you are a unique, squeaky wheel that can scream loudly that something is not *fair*… oh, everyone’s ears become as large as Barack Obama’s. It’s almost cliche at this point, but this country has indeed lost a large chunk of it’s common sense over the past couple of hundred years, and I will tell ya why.

My grandfather was one of the wisest men I have ever known, yet he never made it out of the 8th grade.  He kept his hands covered in earth for the better part of the daylight, and enjoyed seeing the fruits of his labor at day’s end. He was an athlete in his day.  He treated women as equals, but with respect.  “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody, *plus* Daddy ain’t happy”, he’d say.  That saying alone, could save our court system billions yearly, were it repeated early and often to all pre-married males. We have become a society that believes that it is somehow *intelligent* to question what is gut-felt common knowledge or sense.  You and I are gifted with the “sense” that it gets hot in the Summer and cold in the Winter. That if Jupiter gets hotter or cooler at the exact same rate that the Earth does over a period of 10 years that hmmm, it reason’s that the Sun itself is getting hotter or cooler rather than something being wrong with our atmosphere or how much we fart.  But no, let someone come up up with  some whacky assed numbers and graphs and spread sheets and bombard you with figures that you couldn’t possibly digest ….. “They must be super smart… let them handle this shit, Dude… I have a Fantasy Baseball draft to attend, Laters Gators”. This generation.. Mine.. 30 t0 50 grew up spoiled and far removed from the struggles of this Nation to gain and defend it’s freedoms from Tyranny. Our biggest issues coming up was, how were we going to get to third base with that hot chick in the 5th row? Now look around… people are freaking out everywhere and everyone has a *cause*. Geez man… just go dig a damn hole in your yard.. plant something that will grow.. and rethink your situation. And then go look at the Farmers Almanacs predictions and accuracies for the future and the past 100 years.. you will be floored.

We had the Supreme Court of this Republic of the United States of America have a CLOSE vote on the 2nd amendment, recently. How, exactly, does this happen in a span of 224 years, when some societies lasted for thousands, it seems we are at the brink of losing all of our exceptionalism… or the *belief* in our exceptionalism, that made us the richest most powerful nation in the history of the world in that same span? And we were doing something wrong?!?!?!?! Helloooo… the clue phone is ringing… someone please answer before you undo all the shit our forefathers did the right way?? I know for myself, I was so spoiled as a very young man that I would always be so rich I could hire people to watch after my stuff and my families and my own well-being for me. Money??? Pffft… no problem.. Bad people used the guns and if we make it illegal then they can’t get them… **Hugs Everyone.. yay for Hippies**. Let’s me buy ya a coke and sing in perfect harmoneeeeeee… Guess what.. Welcome to the real world.

I remember a discussion with my Grandfather when I was around 16, and had started dating on my own.  We spoke of treating women with respect, paying their way, taking care of them basically until you could deliver them back to their fathers safely. Old School? Yes… Better then, than now??? Yes. And a part of his philosophy was that the last thing a “bad guy” wanted to come up against was an armed “good guy”.  That 99 percent of the time, just *having* the “gunpowder option”, he called it..would keep you from having to *use* the gunpowder option, and all would be right in the world. Granted, things are much more complex now than just cruising up to make-out mountain for a kiss. But the basic reality, still exists.  The cities with the highest murder rates are also the ones that have the strictest gun laws. Look it up. (Chicago and D.C. in case you don’t choose to do the work) I know people that will profess their fear of guns.. to quit making them… the police can keep the bad guys from having them if we make them illegal. When in actuality that is completely the opposite. Ask a man that has had his hands in the Earth all day, and kindly ask his opinion.  My Grandfather, and now myself, will tell you that a law restricting guns will only keep the guns out of the law abiding citizen’s hands. Therefore “emboldening” the “bad guy”, as he knows his chances of running across an armed “good guy” just went waaaaay down.  Is this not common sense? Did I miss something? There are TONS of examples out there, but frankly, I believe it is frivolous to go into as it is flippin *common sense*!!!

And doesn’t counting on the stuffed shirts of D.C. to take care of the bad guys and the gun laws and the protection of your loved ones sound a lot more like Dependence than *In*dependence? For me.. I’ll have my guns by my side in my house, my car, my person… unless I am in the shower, I am an armed “good guy”. Or that’s what my Grandfather would say while wiping the gritty earth off of his wise wise brow and hands. Seriously my friends.. we need to elect Dirt Farmers into office and get this country back on the track the founders intended. It has gotten waayyy out of hand. Think about it. I couldn’t see Barack Obama with his hands in dirt outside of an attempt at hanging a Topsy-Turvy Tomato planter out on the White House Porch.

Marinate on this a bit and let me know what YOU think! That’s my3cents…

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